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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.