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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
only 9530 days until retirement.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(