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Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.