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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.