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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.