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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.