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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!