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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.