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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!