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Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.