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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.