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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson