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Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Your personality needs alcohol.
Mondays should start at noon.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.