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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.