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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"