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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.