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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.