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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.