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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.