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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."