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When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box