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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.