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Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.