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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
When there is nothing to do ... That`s what I do