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I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.