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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.