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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.