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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.