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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.