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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.