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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!