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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.