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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.