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This day needs more tomfoolery!
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.