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Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
That`s not how I met your mother.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Can I get likes for no reason?