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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.