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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
keep scrolling… it gets better lol
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."