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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.