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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
My inner self is in Photoshop
People: What a bunch of bastards!
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.