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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside