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They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.