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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!