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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…