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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?