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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.