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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.