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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.