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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.