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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.