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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.