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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
This salad tastes like Iād rather be fat.