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I don`t care about your status...
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball