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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.