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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"