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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"