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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I dare you to spit on this status.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.