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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.