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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
drink beer ?? save water
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.