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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
My misery likes tequila, not company.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time