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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"