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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.