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It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over