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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.