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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.