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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.