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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.