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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.