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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…