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Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.