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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem