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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?