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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.