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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?