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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.