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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.