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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?