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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.