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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.