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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.