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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.