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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?