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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - Iād worship him too.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
High fiving was the original "like".
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.