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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.