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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow