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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.