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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Does running out of money count as exercise?