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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?